@mutedclamor: Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
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@huntigula: [snowman rings doorbell] Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a "snow blower" and was wondering where I might find one.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
@just1fool: Every time you reach under the couch for something a giant spider must choose whether or not to give up its secure location.