@mutedclamor: Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
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@BuglegsMcWalshy: Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady's house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
@librarianfonz: I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they'll open up a small demolition business together.
@danimgrace: Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Quit talking down to me like I don't know shit about technology! 12yo: Sorry... Me: That's ok. Now fix the router.