@mutedclamor: Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
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@sammyrhodes: I love donuts so much I want to marry them. But then I'm afraid I would eat all our donut hole children.
@occupied_stall: I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I'm gonna live stream my proposal..
@daemonic3: [working in garage] "Hand me a screwdriver, son" A flat one? "No" [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
@therealeatwood: RICE: You think you’re so fancy COUSCOUS: How dare you, commoner! QUINOA: [getting hot stone massage] Can you peasants keep it down?