@mutedclamor: Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
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@daplusk: Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
@TheDailySchmuck: I can deal with shootings and police harassment. But it's January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music. Time to leave the ghetto
@ThisOneSayz: Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they'll materialize out of nowhere.
@weinerdog4life: I'm not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill