I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
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FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.