@jordan_stratton: Pretty sure California's water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I've lazily kicked under the fridge.
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@jwoodham: Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
@KentWGraham: I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
@AmishPornStar1: Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough... But it's even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.