@_Fariis: Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.
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@weinerdog4life: Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
@_davidlucas_: *Buying flowers* Sales girl: Would you like the receipt? Me: Sure! If they don't work, I'll be bringing them back.
@yenniwhite: "Don't play with your food," I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
@Book_Krazy: Dr: You've gained some weight Me: You said I should take it easy Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick Me: WELL I'M NOT A MIND READER