Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
where do you see yourself in five years?