@_Fariis: Pretty sure Google has this master plan of taking over the world by blackmailing everyone with their search history.
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@ThRealBallsDeep: <at first day of t-ball practice> Me:What's the first rule here, boys? Kid:Don't poop your pants? M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.
@buhsbaby_baby: Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
@Flykins: COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"