It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce