[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
You Might Also Like
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind