Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
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:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings