Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
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Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Doggies just call it style.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.