Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
A family that plays together cheats.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]