5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
You Might Also Like
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
wow he looks just like him
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.