@asimplesean: Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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@IAmMikeFeeney: "Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?" - The Honest Applebees Server
@HeroineAddict: *scrolls ur TL* *finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.* *eerily similar to mine from day before* "She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!"
@UncleDuke1969: [mall] Me: That guy looks SO familiar! Wife: … M: Maybe an actor? Musician? W: … M: I’ll get an autograph! W: He’s our mailman, moron.
@Dschnoeb: I think the only girl I know that hasn't said "you're like a brother to me" is my sister.