Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?