Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
You Might Also Like
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
So glad we cleared that up
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland