@heymonroe: Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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@ewfeez: [wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body] What are you doing? "Uhh, SOMEONE said I don't glisten very well?"
@aveuaskew: Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag! Me: *sets bag on fire*
@TheCatWhisprer: Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.