Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.