Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
me and who
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry