I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…