Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
There’s only one good girl here!
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.