I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
When can I start eating bats again.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.