There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
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*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly