Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
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Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history