PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.