PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
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Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.