PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”