priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?