Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.