PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.