Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
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My flabber has been gasted.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.