japanese corn
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ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
That’s easy for you to say
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
(Gaming support cat.)
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together