I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
mentally somewhere in italy
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope