Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Born to be mild.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no