Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Feel. He’s so soft.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
@funTweeters
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*