Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
You sure about that?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it