[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.