If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I would give up shouting at trees for you.