Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
How I’d get arrested…
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
mom gave me mine for free
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.