[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late