Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
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AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.