[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT