M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
You Might Also Like
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Oh my god
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.