In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
You Might Also Like
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!