This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Pickled cat.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy