Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
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[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
The cashier just checked me out.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.