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@texasstalkermom: Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
@GhettoChiIdren: How to rap like Pit Bull: Spanish Spanish Spanish Mr Worldwide DALE!!
@clindsaysway: Fun trick to play on your partner: "Don't you remember what day this is?"
@CulturedRuffian: Any bar is a karaoke bar if you're drunk enough.
@Cheeseboy22: Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
@maurex23: WINDEX CEO: listen, I can't have you making puns anymore.
EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear--
CEO: you're fired.