@texasstalkermom: Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
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@brandonIee: Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
@GeauxSaints79: Coworker: What's so funny M: Twitter Cw: Oh! I'm on there, what's your @ M: I meant twizzlers.. Cw: You're looking at your phone. M:...
@xLiserx: Dog Park Kid: What's his name? Me: Dorito. He's a therapy taco. Don't pet him. Kid:*Throws Ball* Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*