@texasstalkermom: Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
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@dshack8: Me: Can u send me those documents? Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by-- Me: Nope, don't try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
@CamusOverEasy: The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call. At Walmart. At 8:00 AM. On Sunday. In the snack food aisle. Ma'am.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit. Me: You grew. How is that my fault? 5: You fed me.