Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!