Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot