Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother