If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.