Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Seas the day!!!!
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT