@MelissaJoy33: Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don't get married. If you are over 35, don't get married. If you are 35, don't get married.
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@LizHackett: Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
@Jake_Vig: Average Guy: [writes her a song] Girl: "Yeah, whatever." Hot Guy: "Sup." Girl: "Oh my god, you're so creative!"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don't want anymore children living on our street.