Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
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what’s really going on
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.