Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
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We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Breaking news:
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students: