Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.