I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always