I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol