Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired