Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
There’s only one good girl here!
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”